just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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