I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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