I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
