apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize