Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
