he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize