Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
we're so committed to being not committed
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
