Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
