Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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