I murdered the dance floor call the cops
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize