You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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