I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
