Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
