rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
