you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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