Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
