Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
