I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
