Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Shame - the story of my life.
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