I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
