alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think a kid would responsible me up
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
