dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
