This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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