Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
