PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry my hands just texted you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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