grandma shit on top of the toilet
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
