i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
a search helicopter?!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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