I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
