he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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