I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
