Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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