In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
