My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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