Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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