Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
