maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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