Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
