waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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