I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
