those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
