we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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