all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize