Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
