Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
