A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
