Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
