hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
