It's Friday. Sex?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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