When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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