I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
