The maid of honor just puked.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
