I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
