She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have so many feelings about this burrito
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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