Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
