This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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