I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
