I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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