I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
