Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
